I present a horoscope which unlike the fake ones
will get you down to earth. Let's Roll!
Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you,
they will also refuse to come to theaters near you.
Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this
week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal.
Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.
The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit,
but the search for meaning in your particular life isn't.
Change is right around the corner for you, and it's raising a nine-iron above its
head and watching your shadow grow larger as you approach.
You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting
and obeying those you deem superior to yourself. Which basically means everyone else.
It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it's tragically
prevented you from yelling "Look out!" to yet another group of innocent bystanders.
You're sick and tired of being treated like a child,
except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.
You're good at thinking on your feet, which means next week's encounter
with the bear trap will leave you somewhat dull-witted in addition to everything else.
Although the last few weeks have been classic examples of “same crap, different day,”
anomalous ripples in the space-time continuum will allow you to experience the same crap,
but on the same day over and over.
Decide to make the world a better place this week, but not before making
sure your stuff goes to the right charities and surviving friends.
Saturn is rising in your sign this week, bringing with it all the pain, misery,
and failed business opportunities a ringed gas giant can muster.
There's absolutely no reason you can't become successful and happy in the next six months,
which will make it all that much more depressing when you don't.
This horoscope is a public service and like all public services it sucks.
Man this took some time to put together^^